A Letter to the First and Only President of the Republic of Kazakhstan

Richard writes:

Dear President Nazarbaev,

I write to you as a visitor to your great country, and thought you might find helpful some of my initial observations of Kazakhstan. So far we (I am travelling with my Australian girlfriend; Casey) have only visited Astana, but I am greatly looking forward to also visiting Almaty, Aralsk, Otrar and Turkestan. You have certainly built a fantastic country and democracy. The best democracies require strong leadership in my view, and your 23 year term as president has certainly delivered this. It must make you proud to be the only president this country has ever had, it certainly would me.

Observations of Kazakhstan's great capital - Astana

I must say you made a fantastic decision on deciding to relocate the capital to Astana from Almaty. What a fantastic city of architectural wonder. I have spent the last few years living in Australia. It too, has a modern, purpose built capital, it is called Canberra. Canberra however, is in my opinion pretty crap. I also think you are fully justified in allocating 8% of the country's national budget to build such a fantastic spectacle. It is hard to pick a favourite building in Astana, as there are so many marvellous constructions, but here are a few of our photos of the ones we enjoyed the most.

We also greatly enjoyed your President's Museum, housed in the former Presidential Palace. I would love to have a museum devoted to me, so I wandered around your museum with some envy. You really are a clever man, how did you get so many awards? I have a degree certificate (just one) and a 10m swimming badge, but nothing to compete with your collection of degrees, awards from world leaders and other gifts and trinkets you have received. If I was to make a suggestion as how to improve your museum, it would be nice to allow the taking of photographs, after all, wouldn't you like your achievements to be shared wider? 

Have you been to Atameken, the 200 metre long Kazakhstan map in Astana Park? If not I thoroughly recommend it. Just in case you are not sure where it is, just head to the base of the giant Kazakhstan flag, that memorialises the victims of the totalitarian regime. To have such an enormous map, with models of all of Kazakhstan's major landmarks is a brilliant idea and very educational. I learnt that Kazakhstan has a lot of power stations and mineral mines. I am sure there is more to learn, but that was the main theme I picked up.

Observations relating to visa registration

Don't get me wrong, I love a bit of needless bureaucracy. After all, without it unemployment would soar. Keep people employed, whatever the cost, regardless of whether their job is required, has always been a mantra of mine. Despite these thoughts, I do find the visa registration process a bit frustrating. I have a few questions regarding the process.

 1. First of all, why do I need to do it? I already have a visa and the nice immigration official admitted me into the country, so what does the next stage achieve?

2. Why does the Migration Police station have no signs in English? The whole point of the office is for persons' of foreign countries to visit, so maybe it might be a good idea to have one of the most spoken languages in the world on the signs. Just a thought.

3. Why is the form I have to sign as part of the process, that is written in Russian? The nice lady that assisted us acknowledged this by saying, "I know the form is in Russian, I know you don't speak Russian, I therefore know you don't know what you are signing, but it is the process".

I would appreciate it if some of these niggles I raise could be looked into, to assist future travellers.

Other than that I enjoyed the whole process immensely. So I am sure you appreciate my pleasure when I found out, that I have to repeat the whole process in Almaty, as Astana registrations only last for 10 ten days, whereas the rest of the country's registrations last 30. What joy. 

Observations of the Kazakh children and the standards of parenting

First I open with a question. What financial incentives do you offer the Kazakh people to procreate? There are children everywhere, and every other woman of child bearing age appears to have a bun in the oven. I love children as much as the next man, but if I can be so bold to make a criticism, Kazakh children don't seem the best behaved. Almost every child seems to think the only tool they have to get what they want, is to elicit a blood-curdling scream at the top of their lungs. It seems that Kazakh children are also prone to random acts of violence and general poor levels of discipline. I am no psychologist, but I don't actually think this is the children's fault, but maybe the parents are to blame. Maybe it would be a good idea to devote some of the considerable budget you are using to incentivise the creation of the little darlings to parenting lessons. I don't have children of my own, but here are few suggestions I have to improve things:

1. Do not give Coca-Cola to a toddler (who is still being breast-fed) at any time, let alone at 11pm at night on a train surrounded by other members of the public, to a child that is already acting hyperactively and screaming at the top of its lungs while running laps of the carriage (witnessed on a train from Astana to Almaty).

2. Do not allow a child to "play" next to his father that is performing maintenance to an electrical socket (witnessed in our hostel in Astana and resulted on the aforementioned father receiving a massive and painful electric shock to his arm).

3. When a child inflicts pain or causes obvious distress to a third party, encourage parents to both apologise for the child's actions and deliver some discipline (suggestion from witnessing a child in Astana violently head butt Casey in the thigh causing pain, with no resulting reaction from the parents).

Observations relating to the teaching of the natural world

Casey and I greatly enjoyed our visit to the Oceanarium in Astana. In Australia and the UK we call these Aquariums, do you know if there is a difference? It was great to see such a wide array of marine life, especially as Kazakhstan is so far away from the sea. I read that Kazakhstan is in fact the largest land locked country in the world. As well as the spectacular 70 metre ocean tunnel and other tanks we also enjoyed the educational signs around the oceanarium. Our favourite one related to sharks and definitely portrayed sharks in a different way to how they are portrayed at home, where they are taught as a creature of beauty that require respect. It is a good job that Kazakhstan is unlikely to ever have sharks living nearby, as this sign would scare everyone witless. I will rewrite the sign for you (copied verbatim) as its words certainly caused Casey and me some interest:

"SHARK IT IS SERIOUS.

IN THE WORLD OF OCEAN THERE ARE MORE THAN 2000 FISHES. ANIMALS, PROTOMORPHIC ORGANISMS FROM TINY MONODIFORM ONES TO HIGHLY DEVELOPED VERTEBRATES, WHICH ARE DANGEROUS TO HUMANS. THE MOST DANGEROUS INHABITANT IS A SHARK. THE SCIENTISTS IDENTIFY ABOUT 350  SPECIES. IT'S AN EXTREMELY VORACIOUS AND DANGEROUS, FIERCE AND INVULNERABLE CREATURE. IT ISN'T DIFFICULT FOR SOME SHARKS TO CUT A MAN IN HALF IMMEDIATELY, OUTRUN A MOTOR TORPEDO-BOAT AND EVEN WRECK A YACHT.

EVERY SHARK IS POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS TO HUMANS IF ITS SIZE IS MORE THAN ONE METRE AND THERE IS BLOOD IN THE WATER. THERE ARE TWO EXCEPTIONS. THEY ARE THE GIANT-SHARK AND A WHALE SHARK. THEY CAN GROW UP TO 18 METRES LONG AND WEIGH UP TO 10 TONS. THESE HARMLESS GIANTS ARE THE BIGGEST FISH ALL OVER THE WORLD.

THE BIG WHITE SHARK, TIGER SHARK, FOX SHARK, HAMMER-HEADED SHARK, POLAR SHARK, MACO AND BLUE SHARKS ARE CONSIDERED TO BE THE MOST DANGEROUS SPECIES. SHARK'S SENSE OF SMELL IS OF BIG IMPORTANCE TO LOOK FOR THE CATCH. THEY CAN SMELL A DROP OF BLOOD IN A MILLION  LITERS OF WATER. HAVING COME CLOSER TO THE SMELL SOURCE THE PREDATOR SWIMS AROUND UNTIL IT WILL SEE THE CATCH.

IN THE CHRONICLES OF SHIPWRECKS YOU CAN FIND A LOT OF DESCRIPTIONS OF SHARK'S SHOAL ATTACKS ON THE OVERBOARD PEOPLE. ONE OF THE MOST TERRIBLE EVENTS HAPPENED IN AUGUST, 1960 NEAR THE COAST OF MOZAMBIQUE. IN THE MOUTH OF THE KOMATI RIVER ONE SMALL PASSENGER SHIP WAS WRECKED. PEOPLE SWIMMING TO THE COAST WERE ATTACKED BY THE SHOAL OF SHARKS. MALICIOUS PREDATORS TORE TO PIECES 46 PEOPLE DURING SEVERAL MINUTES. ONLY THREE PEOPLE SURVIVED.

WHAT KIND OF MEANS CAN BE USED TO WITHSTAND THE SHARKS? THEY FOUND OUT THAT VORACIOUS PREDATORS LOSE THEIR APPETITE IF THERE ARE MALEINIC ACID, COPPER SULFATE, ACETOUS COPPER AND AMMONIUM IN THE WATER. THE MOST COMMONLY USED WEAPON AGAINST SHARK IS A SPEAR WITH A CARTRIDGE WITH A BULLET OF 12 CALIBERS ON ITS END. YOU SHOULD AIM SPECIFICALLY AT A SHARKS HEAD. YOU JUST PULL THE TRIGGER AND THE BIG HOLE WILL APPEAR. THIS WOUND IS FATAL FOR THE PREDATOR.

AT PRESENT DAYS, A DART  IS CONSIDERED TO BE THE BEST ARM AGAINST SHARKS. IT LOOKS LIKE A SPEAR, CHARGED WITH A CARTRIDGE WITH CARBONIC GAS. WHEN IT GETS INTO SHARK'S BODY - THE CARTRIDGE AND COMPRESSED GAS STARTS PUFFING UP THE BODY. THEN THE SHARK IS THROWN OUT ON THE WATER SURFACE WHERE IT SWIMS BLANKLY."

I hope you have enjoyed my letter, and can find the time to address my questions and thoughts. Don't have nightmares about the sharks and happy governing.

Yours Sincerely,

Richard